Paul Crate Goes International!

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[Paul Crate, well known Evershot resident, is on a round-the-world tour and has promised us a word or two from time to time. Here's the first instalment from India.]

India

Monday 2 February 2004

ALL of the madness!

ok, the internet in india is quite suspect, this is the third time i've tried to send this e mail, generally i've given up because the service disappeared but also i've had to endure power cuts, running to the lavortry in record time and almost passing out with heat exhaustion before the guy running the shop said 'you no want air conditioning on?' Anyway, onwards...

flight out of S.A. was extremely uneventful - nice to have something that way for a change - and air mauritius was pretty good, no wobbly wings or smoking engines, the food was nice and the only gripe we had was the fact that they were showing tomb raider 2 as the in flight movie (thats the fourth time we've seen it in the last three flights!).

Landed in mauritius to find out we weren't allowed in to the country as we didn't know where we were going to stay, hmmm ok wasn't expecting that one, but not too much trouble as we swiftly sent zimb to chat up, er i mean chat TO, the nice lady on the information desk and she sorted us out a hotel for about fifteen quid each, much better than the 120 pounds (note - no pound signs on indian keyboards) per person we were quoted before we came out, just about twenety times over our budget then. The hotel was quite nice, fairly clean, air conditioning and you only got small electric shocks off of the taps in the showers, which gave it a nice kind of russian roulette feel, character building i'm sure. Spent the day on the beach in mauritius with ALL of our bags, although we're not doing bad in the tanning stakes, we were at a local beach without any touristy places nearby and the locals thought we were very interesting indeed, frisbee is apparently equally as exciting as a spaceship landing on the beach. Mauritius is officially the most humid place in the world (so far) and i just about won the sweating competition by 3 and a half litres per hour, then we went to the airport, killed the massive black and white stripy spider that had concealed himself in my rucksack somewhere, and caught our plane to india.

Ate the last meat on the plane that we were going to taste for a LONG time, watched the sketchiest bollywood movie with a very random storyline that was in no particular order and slept a bit before we landed in the madness. Mumbai (bombay) airport didn't seem that random to begin with, we collected our bags, then had a small skirmish with a squadron or two of mosquito's (we won the battle, but the war is far from over) before booking a taxi and a hotel with a small lady in a broom cupboard that directed us out the back for our cab. We got out to where the pre-paid taxi rank was to find a field about the size of four football pitches with around four million taxi's heading towards the gate nearest us as if they'd just been poured in to a funnel,all of them looked a bit like the old trebants we used to get in the 60's or 70's? So we find our taxi number which has got a bloke in it who's about ninety and looks not dissimilar to a walnut, he opens up the boot which you could have probably squeezed one of our rucksacks in to and then closed, as he starts to load all three bags in to the boot we get a little worried, 'we can have a couple of the bags in the back with us if you want mate?'........'mate?'..........'they probably won't fit in there eh?'....'HELLO?' 'HELLOOO?' we give up as he starts to tie the boot shut (or more like open) with a length of bailer twine, hmm safe enough, i'm sure. Then we crawl in to the taxi and realise there was no way we were ever going to get any bags in the back with us aswell, so we'll have to trust him. As he starts the engine and try to pull away it feels as if the crank shafts about to come through the floor of the taxi, the entire world vibrates for about 15 seconds and then we shudder in to some sort of movement,ok.............

I've never been on a taxi journey like that in my life, not only does nobody put their lights on (which i find can be quite helpful when its dark) but theres just no bloody rules to driving, i thought the undertaking that went on in S.A. was a bit hairy but if theres a gap that you can't quite squeeze your vehicle through then you can have a go anyway and at the last minute somebody will hopefully move and you'll survive for another 30 seconds! We just about worked out that there is some sort of unwritten hierachy of whoevers biggest gets priority, so from least important to most it goes :dogs(loads of wild dogs in india, and quite alot of dead ones too), people, bikes, scooters and motorbikes, rickshaw taxi's, cars, buses, anything bigger than a bus, cows. Yes, all of the madness, cows everywhere, it can be 9am rush hour on a motorway the size of the m25, but everyone stops because daisy's decided to have a small snooze in the middle of the road, imagine walking around the centre of london and there's a couple of hefers (no, not essex girls) eating out of a skip, they're not wired up right i'm sure! Other insanity includes a four lane motorway where the inside lane is for children on rollerskates (going to school maybe? you tell me!), locking up the back wheels to get round a corner you nearly missed, and traffic lights that are constantly on amber! honestly i'm not making this shit up! it was all good fun though as it took our minds off of the fact that our wordly possesions were being dragged along behind the cab on a length of bailer twine.

Just mumbai itself is an assualt on all the senses, you go from little huts and shacks the size of a punch and judy show, to massive great big building with worldwide brand names like HSBC (zimb goes all misty eyed) and fed ex, you smell the most amazing food being cooked followed by a massive river that doubles up as an open sewer and hits you in the chest like a mallet, its absolutely amazing. and mad.

We finally arrive (alive AND with all our stuff, who would have thought it?) at the hotel in colaba, the touritsy part (although not quite the costa del) of mumbai where all the hotels and resteraunts are, to find that our room price has magically risen over the duration of our taxi ride (but then we were kind of expecting it anyway) but its about eight in the morning and we're all shattered as we haven't slept properly so we go upstairs and crash out(on a very suspect looking porn bed with black shiny sheets but we didn't care).

We woke up around lunch time and went for a mooch about, everyone we'd spoke to for advice on india said mumbai was very expensive and we should get out as soon as possible, so we had just enough tme to see the gateway of india, (which had some sort of india appreciation thing going on which entails james getting a flowery wristband from a small girl who then wants to either kiss him or marry him - mad), see the taj mahal hotel, get ripped off a couple of times, see more cows, wooden scaffolding thats tied together with bailer twine (obviously a big market for that over here), some old geezers smoking opium very openly on the streets about thirty people crowded round a tv in the road watching cricket and then buy a train ticket to goa for the next day.

The trains over here are actually very well organised, once you get used to the way they work its really quite logical which is unlike india! each train has a name and number and goes to the same place at the same time every day - we obviously weren't used to this coming from england but once we got passed all of the people trying to tell us 'that train is full, you can come on my bus' or that 'your service has been cancelled, i give you camel ride, cheap price!' ok, not really a camel ride but people will honestly tell you anything so that you either go with them or so that they can organise your ticket for you and then they'll stick some 'commision' on top, we got a 3 tier sleeper train down to goa which basically means theres three levels of beds up to the top of the carrige, sounds crowded but its not and they're actually very comfortable. you get breakfast and lunch brought round to you, then the waiter tries to charge you three times what he said it was going to cost in the first place until you laugh at him and pay him what he told you the first time (worth a try i suppose!).

You weren't allowed to sit on the roof of the train but you could hang out of the doors to see lots of fantastic scenery, LOADS of people playing cricket, cows (of course), and quite a number of people all pooing in a stream along the side of the track, nice.

Unfortunately at this point in your 10 hour train trip, you meet kevin.

Kevin is a scouser.

AND he's a scaffolder.

That would probably do as an explanation because he's just short of a shell suit, a moustauche and some gold chains to be the most stereotypical scouser you could ever meet, he just asked the time as he was wandering through the carrige to start off with but when he heard we were english he stopped for a chat, he wasn't too bad at first because he had been to india before and was telling us some nice places to go, where to stay, what not to do etc etc, but then he went and got all of his stuff and sat with us for the rest of the journey, THEN he decides to get off at our stop and tag along with us as he's travelling on his own (we now know why), the bloke just would not shut up, everything anyone said he had done it and was great at it, he'd met every famous person you'd ever heard of and many more you hadn't, and insulted every single one of them, if you'd seen a band, he's been to one of their gigs and got in free, AND got backstage. he spent a hell of a lot of time saying how glad he was that all the terrible english tourists that ruin holiday places for everyone (like majorca, ibiza, costa del sol etc etc) hadn't found india and goa yet, YOU ARE THOSE BLOODY TOURISTS!! evrywhere we went he just had the loudest voice and swore every other word, even to the point of some people in a resteraunt blatantly leaving because he was bugging them. And yes muggins here took one for the team and shared a room with him.after he'd woken me up at 6 am to tell me he couldn't sleep because of the sound of the waves - duh. well if you're in a shack RIGHT on the beach you're probably going to hear some waves! - it was all too much and we explained the situatiuon and left, QUICK!

Goa itself is proper gorgeous! all the massive sandy beaches, lined with palm trees, the sea's warmer than the shower in your room and its usually up around the high twenties early thirties, top place to relax after frantic flying,manic mumbai and scarpering from scousers! We've been to arambol, where we left kevin, then chapora, vagator and now anjuna where they have a massive market every wednesday selling allsorts, and all the haggling is part of it (gourds are optional apparently), it can drive you up the wall a bit though because as soon as you get near to agreeing a price they try and chuck something else in with the deal (d'ya like dags?) and push the price up a bit but its all part of it.rossy got stitched up a treat by all the beach sellers too, these two indian girls came and set up their 'shop' on his towel, told him ross was a lovely name and he was very handsome and before he knew it he'd bought enough to fill a warehouse, unlucky! other news involves me spending a day in bed �because i was inquisitive about whether or not i'm still allergic to banana's - i am. Zimb being very sick indeed due to a dodgy resteraunt and me having a birthday, i'm sure all the presents from everyone will arrive soon yeah?

Yesterday was pretty cool though, its always been freezing on my birthday so i got up and went for a run on the beach (shock horror!) then we went for fodder, chilled out under some palm trees and then in the bar before having a few light ales (in handled glasses - it WAS sunday after all!) in the evening, not quite the same as getting shitfaced in bridport, but then i'm sure it'll still be there when i get home!

now we're waiting for em dyke and em hill to come down and meet us as they fly in today, then we'll probably jaunt a bit more down the coast before heading to bangalore, hampi, and maybe over to madras on the east coast.(eastside massive)

heard you all had snow at home, that seems mental but i'm sure it was all the fun and i hope evryone got snowed in to the pub!

ciao for now

international if-this-doesn't-send-this-time-i'm-going-to-throw-it-out-of-the-window cratey

p.s. Harry, can you ask smudge to send me over his heaviest lump hammer in case we meet up with kevin again? i know he'll appreciate its for a good cause!

p.p.s. the footy coverage over here is shocking, theres all the cricket tho, but transfer news would be appreciated, did utd get saha?


Friday 13 February 2004

We've not done a great deal since last i wrote but i'll only start forgetting stuff and not include it in my next one if i don't write now and i'm quite keen to keep you all up to date with the complete freaks we keep meeting so i thought i'd write anyway (and its a bit TOO hot to lie in the sun today so a nice airconditioned computer room was too much to resist - not that i want to rub it in at all!)

we visited the anjuna flea market again last week, i got some nice reebok (honest guv, they're not fake!) 3/4 length trousers for about one pound seventy, after which we went to a large outdoor bar called '9-bar' they have big pyramid structures with some massive speakers in, and the centre dancefloor bit is surrounded by steps that go up like a ampitheatre and then the top is lined with palm trees on the edge of the cliff leading down to the beach, very nice! they always have two djs on that play one tune after another kind of like the 'vs' nights we get back home, very large. unfortunately we had to walk most of the way as the rickshaw we tried to get broke down about a quarter of the way there, the driver was trying to wedge a stick in to some sort of lever on the engine but we decided we needed the excercise (and to survive the journey in one piece!) so we walked the rest of the way, stopping for fodder about half way in a random resort in the middle of nowhere!

as they've brought in laws that stop music being played out doors after 10pm (this was to stop all of the free parties and full moon parties that kept happening everywhere) 9-bar closed at ten and we had to go on, we did hear about a club just up the road from us that opened at 11 so we mulled around for a bit, got a couple of drinks and then went to investigate. Found it no worries but were a bit shocked to hear it was Rs200 to get in, we stopped to question this and they said, 'oh, you're english? you can go in free!' random. The club was quite large but also quite expensive so we started off just chilling having a couple of quiet beers and a look round when some sketchy guy comes up to our table and introduces himself, he's canadian and called dylan, at first seems fairly sound and we're chatting away, where've you been, where are you going etc and it turns out he's travelling on his own (we later find out why...) so after about 10-15mins of general piffle he starts on religion and his beliefs and which parts of the bible are true and why jews are wrong (?!) and starts asking us all what we believe in...ok my beers disappeared suspiciously quickly (i must've had a sudden thirst for some unknown reason) and we make our excuses and leave, but not before he makes it clear that apparently i've 'got a very good soul'! Freeeeaaaaak. thursday night we met a random dutch/italian bloke called david who looked like he'd had more than his fair share of illicit substances but he was actually quite sound once he managed to get both his eyes pointing in the same direction! and he did tell us about a full moon party that was going to take place the following night (fri) problem was, as they were not really allowed anymore (or downright illegal, whichever way you want to put it!) they were very hush hush until the last minute. so there are about 3 or 4 different venues where it could happen and then mr policeman doesn't turn up and pull the plug (not that he would've done anyway we found out later), so friday we went to nine bar again, found david and he even WHISPERED the venue in to zimbs ear (no, zimb says he wasn't trying any funny business apparently!) on a massive loud dancefloor, talk about cloak and dagger! turns out the venue for the one big full moon party in the whole of goa was......about 400m from where we were staying - NICE! talk about convinient, they must've realised we're on a budget and couldn't afford large taxi rides everywhere, very kind.

so we mooched down the beach where there were some old temple ruins just back off of the sand where the party was going to be, but who did we meet on the way down there, no, not kevin but dylan, complete with very loud shirt and a new 'friend' who was even camper than he was (we don't think they were actually gay but if they went for a meal they would've had mince rather than steak!) so we got dylan to show us these ruins and there was an ARMY of chai ladies set in a large circle around a large black shape at the end of these ruins, turns out the shape was a wall of speakers with a little dj booth in the middle of them, and all the chai ladies had little mats around their candles and kettles, anytime you went near one of them they'd shout at you 'CHAI? COFFEE? come sit! EGG? OMLETE? you come sit here!!' it was kind of like when you go near an automatic door a bit too close and it opens even though you're not going through it! stray too close and you were seriously harrased! nothing was going on for a while so we ditched dylan and wandered off to have a look round. drank some chai and some overpriced beer and chatted to a few people and we found out that its mostly only the midweek parties that upset the locals as they had to get up for work and the kids had to go to school and stuff so very loud music until the next day wasn't very sociable, BUT, at weekends and the full moon whoever organises the parties just turns up to the local bobby in charge with a large suitcase full of wonga and says 'can you go and put this in a safe place (ie - YOUR bank account) whilst i go off and have a lovely party please constable!' and everybodies happy!

the music started about 1ish maybe and was VERY VERY loud indeed, (no way they could've done it on the sly with tunes that loud and large) you must've heard it for miles around, then after an hour or so we saw dylan sticking out like a sore thumb right down the front, covered in flower necklaces and headbands, more glow in the dark tomfoolery than you could shake a stick at and a very lovely mirrored sash (like miss world wears when she wins) over his shoulder, he was dancing like a loon and everyone around him pissing themselves but i suppose at least he was enjoying himself!

It was still going when the sun came up (which was gorgeous), and they had to spray the floor with a hose because all of the dust in the air from everyone dancing on the sand was going in to the speakers, after that they chucked a load of water down every half hour or so as it was covering everything! then the music went on a bit longer, then it got bloody hot around 8ish, then the music went on a bit LONGER and everyone was still absolutely mad for it, leaping about like lunatics!

we finally caved in and went home just after ten and the locals reckoned they finally shut everything down around half eleven - nutters. i think the highlight of the night (other than dylan, obviously) was a tune they played around four or five in the morning that just slowed and stopped as if the plug had been pulled before a loud voice came over the P.A. saying 'I"M SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT THE POLICE ARE HERE AND THEY'VE TOLD US TO STOP THE PARTY' before a seconds silence and then a large baseline kicked in and everyone realised it was just a wind up! top tune, and yes, we did shit ourselves!

Next day we slept until the afternoon and then moved down to palolem which has got the most gorgeous beach we've seen so far, its still got all of the old wooden fishing boats working off of it and they drag them up the beach every night when they come in and leave all of their nets and stuff in there, there's not very many people hasseling you to buy beads or pineapples or to give you a massage or clean your ears (eugh) so its well peaceful. not only that but the seas a lot clearer here and theres no rocks or anything hidden under the water that you could cut or break yourself on.

we've met up with em's hill and dyke too, VERY strange seeing people from home all the way down here in india, and we spent a quality few days with them, explored this little island just off of the north end of the beach and hired some scooters for a couple of days. Actually the scooters were in a class of their own, we explored north on the first day and had a look round an old fort, and from up on the battlements you could see a little cove in the distance so we thought we'd try and find it, after some very suspect little dirt tracks and roads (that definately weren't designed for those scooters) we managed to find a little path that led down to such a secluded little beach it was untrue. the only other people we saw were two locals cutting down palm leaves for the roof of their shelter, it was proper movie type stuff, gorgeous. then we headed south on the second day found a beach that was protected for turtle nesting, madness! we managed to get the scooters back in one piece (and ourselves for that matter!) with only rossy coming off when his front wheel slid in the sand. no blood shed or hidden costs tho so no worries. the ems left the night we took the bikes back on a sleeper bus but we think we're going to meet them again on the east coast as we're doing south india in different directions.

Other than that all we've been doing is sleeping in a small bamboo shack with a hessian roof just off of the beach (if you can see the 3 of us tucked up in mossie nets on two single beds you should have a good laugh) but its only just over 2 pounds 50 per night for all three of us, bargain! we've also managed to get involved with footy matches that take place every night on the beach from half five till it gets dark, then we have a quick dip in the sea to cool off before going for some gorgeous fodder, i was saying last night how weird it is that 2 yrs ago i didn't even like curry but now i can see it being one of my highlights of india! its just a case of getting used to the spices i suppose, maybe they wouldn't like fish & chips until they'd eaten it a few times (or roast beef.....hmm then again, maybe not!)

We'll probably stay here till the sunday or monday and then head down to gokarna where we're talking about getting some more scooters, riding bareback round india is a top feeling, ALL of the fun!

better get back to the beach now, its a tough life you know! hope everyones great, keep in touch.

international can-i-stay-in-goa-please cratey

p.s. no offence to anyone from canada, i'm sure its lovely!
p.p.s. (from my last e-mail) no offence to anyone from
liverpoo.....actually, bollocks, liverpools horrid!


Wednesday 3 March 2004

Get the rifle willie ...

Haven't written for ages but i'll try and remember to get everything in the right order, finally left the beach footy haven that was palolem and headed south to gokarna, got stared at quite a bit on the train so we've obviously still got a bit of work to do on the tan before we can pass as locals! From the train we had a very interesting rickshaw ride to om beach where we were going to stay, it was kind of reminiscent of the dakar rally only on a much worse road and with the three of us, and all of our rucksacks in a space the size of a small wardrobe we gave a small cheer everytime we rounded a corner and stayed on three wheels! Om beach itself was very nice, we had another little bamboo shack which didn't have any power but it was nice and cheap so we weren't fussed. The showers were four walls, no roof, and a bucket and tap,whilst all the toilets were indian squat ones which wasn't ross's favourite feature of the place to say the least, it was here that i first experimneted with the infamous 'indian wipe' which disgusted the others no end, it didn't actaully go as bad as expected although i did spend the next 20 minutes doing my best lady macbeth impersonation with the soap!

after the exceptionally suspect rickshaw ride over we decided to get a boat taxi back to town which was very nice on the way there but by the time we came back the waves had got up quite a bit and there were twice as many of us in the boat, we got properly drenched and after some frantic bailing we set foot back on dry land with all lives still intact, (there was a period of about 15 minutes when this didn't look 100% guarenteed when i must admit i was seriosly looking for ballast to chuck out of the boat, zimb must weigh quite a bit you know!)

The town was just preparing for a festival so we got to watch them building some very odd wooden structures on wheels that were too high to get past any of the cables running between the buildings but they didn't seem too bothered by this and built them on wheels anyway. the festival itself wasn't anything too special and we left after the first day, heading down to fort kochi, a little island on the west coast. we nearly never got there though, as the train we caught at about one in the morning must've had their carriges in the wrong order because we got on the wrong one (can't have been our fault surely....), then all of the interconnecting doors were locked so we had to jump out at the next station, run down the platform with all of our bags and get back in the right car, simple. problem was that someone had locked the doors from the inside and when we tried to get in they wouldn't budge an inch, nor would the ones on the next carrige either, or the next one. So after a small amount of soiling myself and having visions of being stuck on a platform god knows where in the middle of the night, we finally found a door that was unlocked and fell over each other to get in the door, just as the train started pulling away! close one.

Fort Kochi itself was ok, if a bit scuzzy, they had some very impressive chinese cantilever fishing nets along one side of the island that just dipped in to the sea at high tide and then about four blokes would pull on rope attached to a weighted counterbalance that lifted the net out of the water to see what they'd caught before the birds came in and ate all the fish. genius! we managed to have a go at pulling them in too which wasn't as difficult as it first looked, quite clever when its all made with tree branches tied together with wire and the weights were just large stones taken from the beach.

They had a nice little fish market just back from the beach where you could buy the days best catch and then take it to the resteraunt next door for them to cook it for you, we decided against it though as the resteraunt look pretty minging and we didn't fancy the following day running to the toilet. Seems these indian gods are just as sarcastic as all the rest though as i promptly spent the next 24 seperating myself from some napalm that i REALLY don't remember eating whilst zimb and rossy went out to explore the island on some puch bikes they hired. they did cheer me up when they came back in the evning though as everything they went to see was closed and they were also quite probably the two most tired and sweaty people in the world, seems this travelling lark doesn't really keep your fitness up.

from gokarna we caught an eight hour backwater cruise down to quilon, we managed to get some seats right on the back 'balcony' type bit of the boat which were class, it was really chilled out cruising down some really slow rivers in the sun, past loads of little local villages with people washing their clothes or swimming in the shitty water, mmm nice! It was quality though and we got to see a massive shoal (school? herd?) of jelly fish as the river widened out to the sea and then a massive field of the fishing nets they had at kochi came in to sight, it was well impressive, kind of like something out of war of the worlds crossed with jason and the argonauts, much better than another train ride. Quilon was absolutely disgusting, you stood on a cockroach every other step just walking down the pavement at night and you should have seen the size of the rat we saw from our balcony, it had a bloody saddle on it it was that big! Anyway we got out of there pretty quickly and caught a train down to kanyakumari, the southern most tip of india, its a really big pilgrim destination apparently and the only place where you can watch the sun set and the moon rise in the same place at the same time, although we couldn't get our heads around why (possibly tourist piffle?). We watched it anyway (and they did) and then read the very interesting sign about the three bodies of water that met at that point (bay of bengal, indian ocean and the arabian sea) before getting lost (for a change) on our way back to the guest house we were staying at. Next day we visited a massive statue that had only recently been built (between 1990-2000) which was to celebrate 133 'proverbs' from hindi religious texts, it was really impressive and they'd even built it 133 feet tall (d'you see what they've done there?) but when we got to the foot of the statue we pretty much got mobbed by indian tourists! they all wanted to shake our hands and ask us our life story, then we must've had our photo taken about a million times and we even saw one of them filming us with his video camera, it was like being a celebrity! We managed to escape this madness and caught a ferry over to a temple on another island close by that had some really intricate marble carvings and ornate decorations on one side of a big courtyard and a stone that looked a bit like someones foot which people kept throwing money at on the other side, even more madness!!

From Kanyakumari we headed north to mamallapuram which is just below chennai (madras), its main source of income is through stone carvings and statues as they have an entire road lined on both sides with stone masons and their shops. It was really good to watch everything being done the old fashioned way, after seeing the work done at blaise with all the air tools and CAD drawings and then watching the masons here heating up their chisels in a coal fire on the side of the road and drawing them out themselves it made you appreciate how much of a skill it is, mind you i did see a dewalt mini grinder on one stall so things are catching up over here!

We just randomly bumped in to Em and Em at the end of this road too which was quite unexpected (they were fending off some guy trying to sell them a karma sutra carved ball that was so graphic it would've put playboy to shame) so we had dinner with them and caught up, turns out Em Dyke had been quite ill and had to spend a night in hospital which was pretty nasty but she was ok again by the time we met up with them and they were both on good form.

From mamallapuram we got the death run bus to chennai (on which we again held celebrity status) and then got the night train to Bangalore. Bangalore is called india's silicone valley as most of the computing and software firms have set up there, its also where all of the big companies back home are moving their call centres to. Because of the big money injection and western influence its become extremely westernised as a city, big billboard adverts everywhere, most people wearing western clothes, they've evn got kfc and dominoes pizza! Also with the western influence has come a pub culture which is quite mad because you can be in the pub for an hour or two with pool tables, sport on the tv's, and hip hop blaring out as if you're in a town at home and then walk out of the door and the roads are still crazy with rickshaws and cows fighting off buses and mopeds with four people on them! Talking of the roads, they are well scary and we've found the safest way of crossing them without running through the traffic like a headless chicken is to 'rickshaw hop'. this basically involves walking in one side of a rickshaw and then straight out of the other on the premise that if you're in a rickshaw your chances of being hit by another one are a lot lower, it confuses the hell out of the poor driver your passing through though! As Bangalore was so westernised (and has happy hour from 10:30am until 6pm, class!) we thought it would be a good place to spend zimbs birthday, and it was pretty eventful! spent around five hours trying to buy some more travellers cheques before finding out foreigners can't buy them unless their leaving the country in 7 days (FIVE HOURS it took us to find this out, we got told a million different stories and eventually managed to piece the truth together!), so we then spent another hour trying to get money out of the cash point before realising we'd got our maths wrong and were trying to withdraw 2000 pounds worth of rupees, and this was before we'd got to the swiller!

Finally sorted ourselves out, made last orders for happy hour and then went to a resteraunt we'd been recommended to go to that did good steaks, mmm, meat. after 5 weeks we were really craving a large steak and a bottle of red wine or two, but when we got to the resteraunt we found out it was alcohol free, oh dear. Pretty much inhaled the gorgeous steaks they brought us and as things were getting late headed for a club we'd heard about called zero g, it was only open until 12 but thats pretty impressive in india anyway so we went in and had to get in a lift to go to the top floor where the club was. As it was monday it was pretty dead but we didn't have to pay to get in so we were well happy, we were even happier when they sold red wine, albeit very expensive (even more expensive than bottles at home). there were quite few blokes behind the bar and zimb was chatting away to ross when he paid for the bottle before they came and sat down, we drank most of the bottle, talked for a bit and even played a bit of cards as the place was almost empty, then a waiter came and cleared the bottle off the table before one of the barmen came over and asked us to pay our bill, zimb explained he'd already paid the bill but the barman said 'no you can't have done, its not been crossed off' the problem was zimb hadn't really looked at the bloke he'd paid and so couldn't tell them who it was. Zimb definately had paid as we'd split the cost of the bottle when he sat back down and he'd had the change from paying when he sat down, but rather than saying they must've made a mistake they started saying how trustworthy all their staff were and theres no way we could've paid. Another barman came over and started to get involved and then they began to get quite arsey about the whole matter, saying we should pay the bill as we owed the money, we tried explaining what had happened again but they were still getting a bit chewy, then the second barmen started pointing out camera's we hadn't seen up near the ceiling pointing almost exactly where zimb had been stood at the bar, 'you pay, we have security camera's here you know!' they said to which we replied 'excellent, lets go and have a look and it'll not only show that we've paid but also WHO took the money' then they started talking to each other in hindi, before the first barman walked off and the second man stayed and started insisting we should pay again, 'hang on lets go and look at the film' we said and it'll clear it all up but then he started saying that what was on the cameras was none of our business, we told him of course it was our business as it would prove our innocence, after which he told us they were broken and didn't work! hmmm, i asked him who's fault that was and he said it was the managers fault so i asked to see the manager, he then told me he was the manager and the cameras weren't important and we should pay our bill, then he disappeared and the first guy turned up again, more disagreeing and banging our heads against a brick wall followed before an enormous guy in a suit turned up who was obviously the bouncer and had no idea what was going on, they said he was the manager and that we should pay, then a couple more waiters turned up on the scene and started interfereing, and then the first so called manager started asking other blokes at the bar what they thought we should do, one of them siad, the first rule of hospitality is not to involve the other customers but another one (maybe in his 50's) who was drinking with his rather large son (mid 30's) started getting a bit lary saying how he thought we should pay up anyway, how we were english and probably drunk and couldn't remember, and anyway you all earn so much you should just pay up! i explained to him that a) we weren't drunk as we'd only had a couple of pints before we came in and b) did he really think it was fair that we should pay twice, to which he replied yes we should pay twice! i half joked that he was probably drunk and his son tried to go for me!! it was becoming pretty clear that we were being stitched up as all the staff kept changing their stories, trying to say that we said one thing when we had said something else and it was at this point rossy said fine, we'll call the police in and they can sort it out. they said ok and ross got on his mobile, he got through and explained we were having some trouble at zero g when he got cut off, then every time he phoned after that there was no answer, strange. he went back to the bar (different member of staff) and asked them to call the police, to which they said oh don't call the police, that'll just cause more trouble!

then the son of the older guy was talking to the bouncer and they grabbed me by the arm and said, come on we'll go out the back to the service lift, judging by the way he had hold of me, and the fact that there was about 8 or 10 staff around it looked decidedly like we were going to get a good kicking, not fancying this very much i managed to wrestle free from the bouncer and thought it was time to leave, i got in the lift which they stood in the way of the door to stop it, zimb had been given a bill whilst all this was going on and i came in just as he was explaining that the bill was for a different amount to what our bottle of wine cost so it was obviously bollocks, they'd also being telling him that he was a liar which didn't go down very well and things started to get really quite shitty. We tried to leave again and they started holding zimb back and puching him, he told them that this was assualt and they should either phone the police or just let him leave, to which they replied your english laws don't count here, in india you have to pay!

the son was still trying to get us to go out the back for a scrap, the waiters were now pushing pinching and generally being quite girly in trying to provoke a reaction and it was all getting a bit much so ross got out his mobile to try and call the police again and the bouncer nicked it off of him and put it in his pocket! ross pointed out that this was really very juvenile of him and although it was almost funny, he really couldn't do that, but he said you can only have it back if you pay, so by now we're so pissed off, not only by the fact that we know we're being pumped but because we can't do anything about it or even leave we get together to weigh up our options, the only two guys of any reasonable size were the bouncer and the son in his 30's but there were still loads of scrawny waiters and barmen about and basically we realised that we weren't really up for fighting and if we did, what would the police do if they then did turn up, a free nights lodge isn't to be sniffed at but i don't think indian cells are as comfy as our hotel room! So i took lots of photo's of them all (which really pissed them off) and we paid the cheapest bill and got in the lift. just as the door was closing the bouncer stopped it and got in, he kept asking me to take his photo again but i said that i was alright actually cheers mate, and then rossy spotted him press -2 on the lift panel, still not keen for a good shooing ross managed to press 0 and the lift stopped on the right floor and we walked. happy birthday zimb, that red wine was very nice if a little pricey!

we're still deciding if we should write to the lonely planet or anyone and warn other people as it didn't seem like it was the first time they'd tried it, but for now we've moved on to Hampi which is exceptionally gorgeous and full of temples and ruins and friendly indians who want to know our life story again, hurrah!!

Next on the list is the taj, a tiger park and some caves that are supposed to be jaw dropping.

hope everyones all well and good, keep in touch.

International the-steak-was-nice Cratey


ps

Sunday 7 March 2004

i forgot to mention last time, a) we met a guy from netherbury called mike peck who owned the kings arms in bradpole a few years back, he had a broad dorset accent so we spotted him a mile off in a resteraunt in goa! anyone know him? and b) when we hired scooters out in mamallapuram, we went looking for a nice secluded beach and instead found the indian atomic nuclear testing plant, they had large spikey gates and two blokes with big guns who didn't want to pose for a photo, nice bit of sight seeing that one!

cheers, bye.


Thursday 11 March 2004

Hampi was proper quality, oodles of exteremely old ruins and temples, monkeys everywhere, it looked like something off of a travel program! we walked to see some ruins and an old enclosed temple on the first day we were there, as we strolled past a 60-odd year old farmer tending his cows in the middle of nowhere he was having a bloody good stare at us, so we stared back until one of us had to break, we caved first and had to break the silence so we smiled and cheerfully said 'hello' to which he replied 'you want marajhuana?' after pissing ourselves for a while and then declining we realised that this was obviously where british farmers have been going wrong all these years! we hired some scooters out on the second day and toured some more ruins, one of which had some still very intact elephant stables which were well impressive, then we visited a temple dedicated to hanuman (the helpful monkey god, but i'm sure you all knew that already) where they put some dodgy orange paint on our foreheads and made us climb about a million steps to the top of the world before smearing us with more orange stuff and making us eat sugar and look at monkeys privates. On the way back rossy got a puncture and found out his spare was flat, useful, so i gave him a very wobbly backie back to the hire place where they told him it wasn't their problem and he should go and see the mechanic, seems when it gets very hot nobody can be assed to do anything and everything gets delegated, so i left rossy to it and delegated myself a cold drink in a resteraunt whilst he sorted it out!

We also looked round a bat infested temple that had 'musical stone pillars' which were pretty impressive, they were all different widths, heights etc and made different notes when struck, the guards weren't overly impressed with us testing them out though as only 'registered guides' were allowed to touch them - oooooooohhhhhhh!

from hampi we spent a day and a half getting three trains, to aurangabad, trains can be pretty social though, we met an isreali girl who pissed herself at my dorset accent everytime i said ANYTHING (it ain't that bad sn, be it?) a mad scotsman called steve who sang to the locals in hindi and made them nearly fall off of their seats and some sadhu sikh chaps who were sharing their contessa rum around like it was going out of fashion, they had a 'friend' with them who was passed out already so they considerately dumped him next to the toilet to sleep it off, must've been beautiful to wake up to that smell first thing in the morning!

we got to aurangabad in the middle of the 'Holi' festival which apparently involves covering everyone and everything in purple dye (even the politicians were covered with it on all of the news channels) and then dancing spasmodically in the street to 'saturday night' by whigfield (didn't see the suits doing this on the tv and i'm not quite sure what religious significance whigfield holds but then we're used to the madness by now so we kept on walking).

from aurangabad we went to the Ellora caves which were absolutely amazing, over a section of cliff 2km long, the buddhists, hindu's and jains's basically decided to hack some temples in to the side of the rock rather than build them from the ground up.Even more impressive bearing in mind they date from around 600 to 1000 AD so its not like they had any handy tower scaffolds to wheel around and carve from, the hindu ones were the most impressive as they were all built from the ceiling down over different generations, so many of the people who started them never got to see them anywhere near finished, and there was no room for any mistakes either, you can't suddenly magic back a large pillar that you accidentally hacked down because you had your great grandfathers plans upside down! all of the statues and carvings and story panels were really detailed and even the massive flat ceilings were all done with a hammer and chisel, you could still see the individual strike markings.The best one though was just silly, it was the kailasa temple, built by some emporer whose name i can't remember and is the largest single 'sculpture' on earth, they dug three MASSIVE (and i mean massive, about 100ft deep) trenches around what would eventually be the temple, and then carved the temple out of the rock that was left, its bloody enormous, i've seen it and i still don't reckon they could do it! it took 150 years to finish and they removed 200'000 tonnes of rock to create it according to some guide i earwigged in on (cheap at half the price), but the only thing was that as i'm wandering round looking up at all this magnificent carving and taking lots of photo's, every corner i went round there were twenty indian tourists wanting to take MY photo! i kept trying to shift the conversations back to the temple and how clever it was, but they just weren't interested, one guy even replied, 'yeah, well they didn't have jobs to go to in those days, where in england are you from?!' so i did a runner and found ross and zimb outside being pointed at in amazement by some more locals, madness.then we got a taxi back to the hotel in a jeep about the size of a landrover discovery, us and 15 others, yes it must be a new record, 18 of us in a jeep, pats cabs in bridport need to recalculate their fares i reckon.

the following day we went to some similar caves in ajanta but the main attraction with these was the paintings in them which were pretty much past any recognisable pictures so they were a bit of a let down after the impressive ones from the day before, so from ajanta we got the worlds most crowded bus (a family of six on one double seat, say no more) to buldhana, shitting ourselves the whole journey as our bags were on the roof, not tied down and the road was similar to the one that neil armstrong landed on, before getting a slightly better bus to akola.

When we got to akola we realised that we'd found a route that wasn't frequented by tourists, none of the hotels would let us stay, (the receptionists looked like rabbits in headlights as soon as we walked through the door) and when we finally ran out of places to stay and had to stop people to ask, a small crowd would gather around us in a matter of seconds, i mean i'm used to people thinking i'm a bit of a freak but this is getting silly! one guy even went home and got his son and then came back out with him so he could see us and say hello, we sent rossy in to the last hotel we could find as we thought he looked most indian (ok, he's got dark hair) and they immediately said they had no rooms, he told them we'd be gone first thing in the morning, before 8 as we had a train to catch which started a long, hushed discussion in hindi before they said they did have rooms after all! the staff there did some very impressive goldfish impersonations as we went upstairs before two of the bell boys brought us up a rose each to say thank you for choosing their hotel.......after being quite freaked out for a while, we said thanks and then spent the next couple of hours deflating rossy's head and convincing him he's not famous.

Although its quite intersting to see everybody's reactions when they've never seen a white person before, it is a bit strange and i'm quite looking forward to getting amongst some more tourists tomorrow in agra so they can have all the attention. got the train here to nagpur this morning where we're having a 7 hour wait for our next train (which is a 16hour sleeper) and i don't feel as if i've slept properly for a couple of days so sorry if this is a bit disjointed in places, from now on we've got a night on a train, followed by a night in a hotel, then a night on a train....etc etc,so its going to be pretty hectic until we fly to katmandhu on the 22nd where it'll hopefully be a tad less insane!

hope everyones wild and groovy

international travel-tastic cratey


Tuesday 23 March 2004

I've bought some nice new trousers ...

We arrived in Agra armed to the teeth with different shields and deflective devices for any sort of scam, stitch up or invitations to go in anybody's shop or rickshaw, but when we got there we found it actually wasn't too bad, you can see why everybody warns you about it being tourist central because there really were large Americans in ill fitting t-shirts holding video cameras everywhere, so the touts and hawkers had more money to aim at but it was nowhere near as high pressure as people had been telling us. We checked in to our hotel and went for a drink on the rooftop resteraunt whilst watching the sun set on the Taj Mahal, it seemed extremely surreal that we were actually there but it was very pleasant indeed. Next morning we got up at silly o'clock in the morning and went and watched the sun rise on the Taj, took a few photo's, unfortunately there was no water in the fountains leading up to it as it's they were doing some repair work or something so we couldn't get THAT photo with the reflection and everything being symmetrical etc but we did have enormous fun with a mad local who was encouraging us to lie upside down near one of the pools that had a puddle in it and try and half climb in the pool to get a 'puddle shot', realizing this would make us look extremely silly we of course obliged although quite how the photo will come out I don't know as we were all wetting ourselves from our mans special technical instructions!

Had a good look round the taj which is beyond words, some of the detail and accuracy of the inlay work and just the sheer size of the whole project was absolutely staggering, to build a huge mosque on one side of the main building and then an exact replica on the opposite side just so it looks balanced - even though its useless as a mosque because it doesn't face mecca - is a class act, definitely no corners cut here then! (boring fact 352:actually some of the best stone masons had their thumbs chopped off after they had finished work on the taj so that something as impressive could never built again, so although they didn't cut any corners?.) Saw some gardeners cutting the grass with a cow drawn mower and then had a good giggle at the people with funny 'shoe-socks' on because they didn't want to take their shoes off (I mean, they're feet can't have smelt any worse than mine surely?) and then we went to get some breakfast. �Then we got a boat over the river to see the proposed site of 'the black taj' which never got built and then went to see the baby taj (can you spot a bit of a theme running through agra at all?) which was still quite impressive even after we'd seen the daddy (the baby taj was built first, bit of a practice run by a queen who's name I've forgotten, then yer man the emporer decided to show her how it was done and just go crazy, he obviously hadn't heard that nobody likes a smart ass!). after the baby taj we went for a look round one of the bazaars which made the crowds for christmas shopping look like a walk in the park, so we decided to dive in to a small watch shop and watch the rest of the cricket (India V Pakistan - a very close second, if not equal first with religion in the 'scale of important things' over here) on a small black and white tv with about a dozen old Indian fellows who didn't know whether to stare at us or the tv.

Got a train to varanasi [see photo here] and went straight down to have a look at the gangees, wandered up and down looking at the various Ghats until we came to the one where people are dipped in the water and then cremated on the banks once they die, there were three people being burnt when we turned up which was a bit of a shock but after thinking for a while you could kind of see that this was just business as usual for them, one of the 'untouchables' (people who actually do the burning) actually gave me a large, not very toothy, grin as I stood there doing my best goldfish impression.

Next morning we again got up exceedingly early, this time to experience what it was like to miss the sunrise by five minutes, and went got a rowing boat 'cruise' up and down the river to see everybody having their morning wash and prayer session. �I don't want to appear too cynical, but it really can't be very good for you going in the water in the gangees, its apparently 100 times more polluted than the recommended level for swimming in the uk, all of the sewage from varanasi pours straight in to it via large two foot wide pipes all along the banks and theres more than the odd carcass floating around in it, either cremated or otherwise! (we actually rowed past a new species of dog that has developed a way of breathing underwater and I think he was hunting for fish at the time?).

People who are easily disgusted should skip to the next paragraph, NOW. �We actually got conformation that bathing in the gangees is not good for your health when observing a young chap going for his early morning number two on about the third (excuse the weak pun) step up from the river bank, I won't go in to too much detail but he could have painted the german flag on the concrete - not a well boy. I know this is all pretty gross but you have to understand that whilst he was doing this people less than twenty feet away are gargling with the water and brushing their teeth with it!! We should let the lightweights return to the conversation now,

The rest of the day we looked around the various temples and forts in varanasi, nearly getting rabies and a nasty bite mark in the monkey temple (a well named place if ever I saw one), and in the next temple seeing one man trying to beat another man to death with a stick, following it up by throwing bricks at him because he was caught getting keen with his girlfriend in the temple gardens, great entertainment!

After varanasi we caught a (21 hour - madness) train to jaipur (got off at the wrong stop but managed to get back on again before the train pulled away which was handy) which was a great city, a kind of fort/city with really old quality buildings inside a massive walled surround, went to an observatory with ludicrously large and complicated astronomy instruments (a 30ft sundial and lots of other things that looked like I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near them). �Went and looked around amber fort which we got an elephant ride to the gates of which was quality, then got lost and explored little passageways and tunnels that made me feel as if I was twelve years old again (I said feel not act, before you start!).

We then met a man who wanted to know what percentage of british people were racist, he accused zimb of being racist as he's got a shaved head so I quite wanted to talk to him and explain that he'd got it all wrong and that we were all quite nice chaps really! He then started to act quite strangely, saying we should go for chai and then a beer later, and then wanted to take us to a fort we were going to later in his car, when he turned up at our hotel he was acting even stranger, wouldn't stop outside and kept driving quite quickly and signaling to meet him up the road, we then saw he had a rather large unpleasant looking 'friend' in his car so we decided not to take him up on his extremely gracious offer, bearing in mind he was a complete freak show.

Went to the tiger fort under our own steam, by rickshaw actually but its not far off steam driven, with the worlds horniest rickshaw driver, every other word he said was either 'pussy' or something meaning pretty much the same thing - you get the picture. Watched the sun set over jaipur, which was a lot bigger from the top of the cliffs than it looked from the ground, and then got a cycle rickshaw back towards the center of town. �About halfway there the road turned in to a bit of an incline and the poor chap on the front of the rickshaw was having all sorts of problems with us three fat bar-stewards on the back, so I thought I'd jump off and push to give him a hand, I pushed till the road levelled out and he got a bit of steam up and then, taking careful aim to avoid the cog and chain on the back axel jumped on to the frame of the rickshaw for a rest, unfortunately, as it was quite dark, I'd not seen the line of bolts about six inches to the left of the cog and chain which were whirring round like a combine harvester, they got on extremely well with my left trouser leg and the two items decided to get quite involved with each other. I had enough time to worry about what was going to happen to my leg when my trousers started to come down and although this solved the problem of me losing one of my limbs I was still stuggling to visualize how I was going to remove my trousers whilst balancing on the back of a speeding rickshaw (and before you ask, no, of course I didn't shout stop or anything sensible). Then to my great relief (and the woman on the rickshaw next to ours' great amusement) my trouser leg ripped at the knee - hurrah, I was free! I now remembered how to formulate words and sounds and got our driver to stop, he was VERY confused to say the least and hopefully will have some class facials in the photo we got of me and him with the offending piece of trouser!

We wandered around the streets for a bit getting some quite strange looks and not more than a few offers to come in to shops to buy trousers and then some helpful sikh chaps lent me a hand and hacked off the other leg to a similar level with a rusty pair of scissors, I'd had enough of being laughed at by now so we went back to the hotel and packed up ready for our train journey the following day to Sawai Madhopur.

In the time it took for us to get the train from jaipur to sawai, someone had obviously done some pretty damn snappy livestock dealing and swapped all of the cows in India for brightly painted camels which was a bit of a surprise, we took it in our stride though and looked for a hotel whilst trying to ignore the fact we'd stepped in to some sort of scene from star wars. Met some friendly isreali people outside one of the hotels and they said it was clean and cheap inside so we stayed there, getting up at half four the next day for a three hour safari in to the ranthambhore tiger park. � The safari was unfortunately pretty crap, about thirty of us crammed in to a massive noisy, rattley open top truck that had less chance of sneaking up on a tiger than a steam engine, we saw a few deer, some monkeys (poor desolate monkeys with no temple of their own!) and a wild boar, and that's about it, we were going to go on an afternoon safari too but after seeing the first one decided to save our money. We did however, nearly get roped in to being head of a festival procession in a nearby town, the owner of the hotel said he'd give us a free camel ride if we wanted one, so we got on an extravagantly decorated camel and cart and went off with a driver who couldn't speak a word of enlgish, when we arrived at where the procession was meeting there were decorated horses and elephants and a few brass bands all lining up, we worked out we'd been duped and quickly darted in to the nearest chai tent and watched the small black and white tv they had perched on the table which was showing the next match in the India/Pakistan series - result!

It would've been nice to get involved in the procession but we didn't know how long it would last and we had a train to catch, also we'd been up since half four and a few hours on a camel being pointed at wasn't high on our list of priorities.

Got our last train in India to delhi and got a rickshaw to a hotel, it gets lots of bad press as a city, (most notably the fact that its so polluted that wandering round for a day is equivalent to smoking 20 fags, and if you get involved in the rush hour traffic jams it rises to 40 - not silk cut diet fags either I might add) but I thought it was pretty good as large cities go.

The first underground in India wasn't finished yet which was a bit of a disappointment as it was bound to be a whole tube full of insanity, but it was quite interesting observing the madness surrounding the areas where they'd just pulled up massive sections of the city center to put the tracks and cables in!

Rossy and I spent 4 hours trying to send parcels home, ALL of the conflicting rules and regulations and general red tape to deal with and then we went to see the India gate which is a large arc de triumph type thing that commemorates all of the Indian casualties in the second world war. The following day we went on a tour of all things delhi, saw where Gandhi was cremated and went to the biggest mosque in India where rossy and zimb had to wear nappy's because they had shorts on, got some great blackmail photo's for the future!

Mooched round some markets for a bit, had a nice chap in a chai shop sort us out with a tasting session for tea spices to send home, and then went back to sort ourselves out for the flight to Nepal on the following day.

And that was the end of India! As a country it defies definition, its very huge and very random and should by all accounts by several country's, sometimes it wears you down and gets to you a bit and other times you can't believe how fantastic it is and how great some of the people are, but basically what everybody told me before we came out was true, they said 'expect the unexpected' which you can never do and that's why its so great. We're now in Nepal where we've got two weeks to cram in as much as we can, we've booked up a five day trekking and white water rafting trip that takes us on to the 'anna purna' circuit and makes us realize how incredibly unfit we've become since we lost our regular footy practice slot in palolem, so at the moment we're in kathmandu waiting for Thursday like kids waiting for Christmas, I'll let you know who survives and what state their underwear's in if I make it back in one piece!

International do-I-write-too-much? Cratey.